I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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