Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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