I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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