...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
