Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
