Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
