so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
