Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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