I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
