I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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