No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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