walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
