he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
