Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
