U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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