My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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