he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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