Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
