Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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