My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
