any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
