I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
