I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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