I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I believe in your delicious
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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