If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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