he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
