Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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