I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Naked Twister starts at high noon
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
