NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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