My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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