I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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