I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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