The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
