I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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