I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
