i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
