I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
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My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
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I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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