I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
