Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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