I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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