why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
