From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
