i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
