If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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