I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
