Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
