mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
