apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
