I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
