I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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