I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
