I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
