You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've blown a few things in my day
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
