It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
