is your mom at the bar?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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