Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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