i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
