he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
