In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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