wanna go halves on a baby?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
