why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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