apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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